I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
