how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
