Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
