It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Randomize
