I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
