My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Randomize
