youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
