So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Found your dick twin last night
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
