Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My balls are so social today.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Are my feet made of real feet?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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