I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
