I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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