Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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