I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I need to calm my uterus...
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
