there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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