fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I got her a Nickelback box set.
sarcasm needs its own font
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
