I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
