You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
