Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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