I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
