Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
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I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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