Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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