why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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