i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
