Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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