dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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