I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
