He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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