HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
