I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Randomize
