I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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