I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
