btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
