Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
