Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
