I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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