I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
