He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
