Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
