News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Randomize
