I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
