my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
