who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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