Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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