You smell like stripper and shame
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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