Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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