bring money and cleavage
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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