I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
It's blow job season.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
