Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
