Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
