I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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