this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
