I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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