she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My vagina just clenched in fear
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
