guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
