went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
