I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
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