Screwed.edu
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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