You smell like a Billy Joel song
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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