her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
