So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
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